Rebuilding After Infidelity: Understanding the Path to Healing
Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a couple can face. Many couples enter therapy seeking to work through the aftermath of betrayal, often grappling with a profound loss of trust, overwhelming emotions, broken communication, and fear that the relationship may not survive. While these feelings are valid and deeply challenging, healing is possible. With intentional effort, couples can rebuild their relationship into something more substantial and more fulfilling.
The Impact of Infidelity on Marriage
The percentage of marriages that end due to infidelity varies across studies. However, research consistently shows that infidelity is a leading cause of divorce (Haseli et al., 2019; Rokach & Chan, 2023). According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, infidelity is cited in 20–40% of divorces in the United States (AAMFT, 2016).
Additionally, a study published by the National Institutes of Health found that 88% of divorced individuals who participated in the research reported infidelity as a contributing factor to their separation (Scott et al., 2016). Given these statistics, infidelity is a common and deeply impactful issue. In this post, we will explore three core areas that often contribute to infidelity and marital dissatisfaction:
1. Unmet Needs
2. Unwillingness to Meet Needs
3. Shifts in Attraction
1. Unmet Needs
Meeting your partner’s needs requires a commitment to ongoing learning and attentiveness. People change over time—emotionally, mentally, and physically. I often say that every six months, something about us shifts. If both partners are evolving and not actively adapting to those changes, disconnection and a loss of attraction can follow.
To address unmet needs, consider the following:
• Be attentive to what brings your partner joy. You do not have to participate in everything they love, but showing interest in their passions helps you connect with their happiness. This can reveal new aspects of their personality and deepen your bond.
• Create shared experiences. Find activities you both enjoy and make them part of your routine. Rituals like weekly date nights or shared hobbies can strengthen your connection and reignite desire.
• Listen and assess. When your partner expresses a need, reflect on your ability and willingness to meet it. This helps identify potential barriers and opens the door to meaningful connections.
2. Unwillingness to Meet Needs
It can be surprising to realize that some partners are unwilling—not just unable—to meet each other’s needs. This resistance may stem from:
• A misalignment in values or moral principles
• Discomfort with the nature of the request
• Fear of inadequacy or failure
In these moments, self-reflection is key. Ask yourself: Do I have the ability and/or capacity to meet this need? Honest answers can guide essential conversations and decisions about the relationship’s future.
3. Shifts in Attraction
Attraction naturally evolves. Initially, excitement and novelty fuel desire. Nevertheless, as life unfolds—through stress, aging, and routine—physical and emotional changes can affect how we perceive our partner.
To maintain attraction:
• Revisit the first two points: unmet needs and willingness to meet needs. These are foundational to emotional intimacy, which often fuels physical attraction.
• Spend quality time together. The more you engage with your partner, the more likely you are to stay connected and attracted to them through life’s changes.
Final Thoughts
Infidelity does not have to be the end of a relationship. With courage, vulnerability, and consistent effort, couples can rebuild trust and rediscover intimacy. Healing requires:
• Assessing and honoring each other’s needs
• Reflecting on your capacity to meet those needs
• Committing to a cycle of continuous learning and connection
Relationships are dynamic. When both partners are willing to grow together, even after betrayal, they can create a bond that’s resilient, authentic, and deeply rewarding.
Sources
Haseli, A., Shariati, M., Nazari, A. M., Keramat, A., & Emamian, M. H. (2019). Infidelity and its associated factors: A systematic review. The journal of sexual medicine, 16(8), 1155–1169.
Rokach, A., & Chan, S. H. (2023). Love and infidelity: Causes and consequences. International journal of environmental research and public health, 20(5), 3904.
Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education. Couple & family psychology, 2(2), 131–145. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032025